we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
