My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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