Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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