No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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