I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
