The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
