He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize