Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
