i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
