You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
