if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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