my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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