She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
