I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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