I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
