FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
