KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
