Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
