WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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