Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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