I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
