lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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