I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
