I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
