She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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