Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
