Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
