he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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