my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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