my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
