I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
