forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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