You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
