So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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