the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
