my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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