Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
