Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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