The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
