Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
