i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
