Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
