goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
