he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
