im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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