this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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