I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
