Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
