I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize