I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
