so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
