someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
