Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
