she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
