she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
