Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
